Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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