I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
