He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
