so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
