My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
