im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
