Four minutes until I can fart!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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