Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
