I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
