we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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