Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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