My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
