I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
This house was built for laser tag.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
