Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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