He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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