dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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