I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
