So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
