Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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