Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i think my cat just said my name.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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