OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
