He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
