Need sex. Gaining weight.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
