the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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