I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
