It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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