I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
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Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
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I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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