I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
vagina is talking i cant
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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