ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I need moral support for this bender
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
