He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
