I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
