Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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