Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
