is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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