bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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