the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
