so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
