It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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