my being single is dangerous.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize