Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
All I want is dick and wine.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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