Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
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I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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