i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
