I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
