i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
