If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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