Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I am full of burrito and curiosity
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
