Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think I am morally bankrupt
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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