The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
