I accidentally burped into my bong.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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