I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize