THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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