Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
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I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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