Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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