Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
