A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
