I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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