Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
