I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
