Yo dont text me then not text me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
