i just had sex bonerless
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
