Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
