Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
